three years

10005860_10152720402347977_105868955_oIt’s my anniversary with WordPress. With SempiternalHeart, and that clean slate I desperately craved when I transitioned from homeschooling to community college.

Three years ago, I was getting ready for graduation. I’d lost my best friends to heart ache and was about to enter what I would later call The Dark Times.  I wasn’t eating enough and I was throwing up too much, mostly from nerves because I hate change and life never seemed to stop, but sometimes because of my nonexistent sense of self-worth and the confidence that so often abandoned me.  I was a mass of angry tears and red cheeks, of gnawed fingertips and gawky limbs.

Sometimes I miss it, the fellowship and close-knit groups that I’d managed to infiltrate.

Sometimes I want to go back, to tell myself what comes next, that it’s going to get better, that Life After wasn’t going to shake me the way I anticipated.

I feel like this should be a celebration, but the alert about what today is only made me reminisce in an unhealthy way, traveling back bit by bit into how the last three years transpired, into everything that happened.

I knew I shouldn’t have had that third cup of coffee.


Summer is creeping up, and I’m awaiting it anxiously.  My face-to-face mini mester fell through, so my sole obligation will be an online geology course and (hopefully) a job.  I haven’t figured out if I’ll be committing a couple of days a week to the UHWC or if I plan on teaching piano, or if there will be some other option, but I’m looking forward to a break.

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2 Comments

  1. Dear one, I had no idea you were under such physical stress like throwing up. Please take care of yourself and know that the future is bright, glorious, and still full of wonder. Leave the past behind and charge full steam ahead with boldness and peace.

    Reply

  2. I love you so much. I can’t tell you how I relate. Our circumstances were different, yet I know those feelings and emotions. I know God meant for us to know each other and I’m so thankful He brought you into my life. I can’t wait for summer. ❤

    Reply

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