Everything changes, not in an instant, but gradually. It’s worse that way.
–journal entry, April 26
I want Jesus. I want to be completely and totally saturated in him, and maybe it is an unrealistic desire,
but I want Jesus. I can’t decide where to go to school when I graduate in a few months. I can’t decide what I want to go to school for. I probably won’t be able to decide what to wear in the morning, or how to fix my hair, or what to eat for lunch ~
but I know that I want Jesus.
My math final was this morning, at 8 AM, followed by three hours at work, followed by another final, five days earlier than I was expecting it.
I took a pause for one mocha and three cookies before heading back to work, and now I wish I was back at the cafe, alone. It was a comfortable and friendly alone, one that I’ve learned to appreciate and enjoy. It was just me, the barista, and the red-head sitting two booths in front of me, with music that I used to know playing overhead.
Now I’m back at the college, and it’s funny – well, not really. It’s . . . strange, and I don’t understand the why or the how, but things have changed again. Relationship dynamics have shifted, and settled.
Just a few weeks ago, she was telling me how she admired the depth and strength of my love for my friends, and now she won’t acknowledge that I’ve walked into the room. Just a few weeks ago, they would surround me, and our laughter could be heard down the hall. Now I sit alone, and now I realize that, though I don’t agree with some things said and done recently, my pastor was right when he said I depend too heavily on friendships for my sense of self-worth.
My self-worth should not come from their approval.
Some hurts aren’t actually a long way from my heart. Some hurts reside there. But they don’t change who I am inside. They don’t change my faith . . . God is the same. Love is the same. No matter how much my heart hurts.
– Choose Joy, Sara Frankl (page 29)