Desire

 

Everything changes, not in an instant, but gradually.  It’s worse that way.
journal entry, April 26


I want Jesus.  I want to be completely and totally saturated in him, and maybe it is an unrealistic desire,

but I want Jesus.  I can’t decide where to go to school when I graduate in a few months.  I can’t decide what I want to go to school for.  I probably won’t be able to decide what to wear in the morning, or how to fix my hair, or what to eat for lunch ~

but I know that I want Jesus.


My math final was this morning, at 8 AM, followed by three hours at work, followed by another final, five days earlier than I was expecting it.

I took a pause for one mocha and three cookies before heading back to work, and now I wish I was back at the cafe, alone.  It was a comfortable and friendly alone, one that I’ve learned to appreciate and enjoy.  It was just me, the barista, and the red-head sitting two booths in front of me, with music that I used to know playing overhead.

Now I’m back at the college, and it’s funny – well, not really.  It’s . . . strange, and I don’t understand the why or the how, but things have changed again.  Relationship dynamics have shifted, and settled.

Just a few weeks ago, she was telling me how she admired the depth and strength of my love for my friends, and now she won’t acknowledge that I’ve walked into the room.  Just a few weeks ago, they would surround me, and our laughter could be heard down the hall.  Now I sit alone, and now I realize that, though I don’t agree with some things said and done recently, my pastor was right when he said I depend too heavily on friendships for my sense of self-worth.

My self-worth should not come from their approval.


Some hurts aren’t actually a long way from my heart.  Some hurts reside there.  But they don’t change who I am inside.  They don’t change my faith . . . God is the same.  Love is the same.  No matter how much my heart hurts.
– Choose Joy, Sara Frankl (page 29)

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3 Comments

  1. I don’t know if you remember, but one of your grandmother’s favorite songs (and the main one she wanted sung at her funeral) was this:

    I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold,
    I’d rather be His than have riches untold
    I’d rather have Jesus than houses or land,
    Yes, I’d rather be led by His nail-pierced hand.
    Than to be the king of a vast domain
    And be held in sin’s dread sway
    I’d rather have Jesus than anything
    This world affords today.
    I’d rather have Jesus than worldly applause,
    I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause
    I’d rather have Jesus than worldwide fame,
    I’d rather be true to His holy name.
    Than to be the king of a vast domain
    And be held in sin’s dread sway
    I’d rather have Jesus than anything
    This world affords today.

    I don’t think it’s unrealistic at all and I think it’s a wonderful desire.

    ——————————————

    My prayer for you this moment, is that you will embrace the truth that the only approval you need, the only worth that means anything, is to hear God say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

    Reply

  2. You and I are in similar boats. I need more of Jesus and less of other people’s opinions, approval, and attention. I admire your love for Jesus and for others. You inspire me and encourage me that I’m not the only one. I love you.

    Reply

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