l’il bit of static

Cast all of your anxieties on him, for he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7

Pastor Ed gave a really good sermon on Sunday.  He got up there, and started talking about “The Strength In Letting Go.”  He asked why it’s so hard to let go of all the things that keep us from Jesus?

• Faith deficiencies – Matthew 8:25-26

• Pride – Proverbs 2:11

• Forgetfulness – 2 Chronicles 7:14

• Insecurities

Pastor Ed’s main point, past all of these things, was that we have to be transparent with God.  We have to be willing to give him all of us, to be broken, to be real with him.  Like Job.  Job was so real with God; it’s unbelievable.  He was honest and transparent, from the height of his joy to the depth of his despair.

I’m afraid.  I’m afraid because lately I haven’t been doing a good job of representing Jesus.  I’m afraid because I think people see the bad in me more than they see the good.  They keep getting glimpses of the selfishness and jealousy and hurt and anger and anxiety that I keep saying I’ll give to Jesus, but that I refuse to release into his hands.

I’ve been reading and learning and growing in my faith the last few months.  I know that I don’t have to be good enough for him.

But I still try.  I still try to be good enough, to clean up my mess of a life before showing it to God, because I don’t want him to see it when it’s in shambles.

I don’t want him to see me crying in the car on the way to the college, because I’m terrified that I’m losing one of my closest friends but I can’t quite grab onto the situation with a tight enough grip to rescue it.  I don’t want him to see me when the threads of patience snap, and I shoot off a snarky comment to a coworker who’s acting condescending.  I don’t want him to see me when I’m being a brat to my mom for “cramping my style,” when she’s really just worried because I’m so much like she was at this stage in life.  I don’t want him to see me when I’m selfish and self-righteous and unkind.

I want him to see me when I’m clean and pure and good and holy, because that’s what he is, and I want so badly to be like him.  I long so badly to be like Jesus.

But I forget sometimes that I can’t be those things if he’s not in the picture.  If I push him away, he isn’t around to help me be better.  He isn’t around to soothe my soul when I get frantic or to tame my tongue when I’m mad.  I can’t learn to be like him if he isn’t a part of every area of my life, because I want to be like Jesus in every way, not just in some ways.

I think what it all boils down to is that I want to please him, but the desire to please him is in a constant fight with my pride.

It’s an issue.

That’s all I’ve got.  G’night.

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